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Simon Dictates: We Should Stop Taking Th…e fish from the sea

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HOLLY: I’m joined here in a dentist’s waiting room by Simon Richard Tate. Hello Simon.

SIMON: Hello.

HOLLY: I understand you just got back from a football match, but that you’re not a professional football player?

SIMON: That’s right. I’m not a pro, but I like to talk.

HOLLY: Well, Simon. That’s interesting. In the history of our show, we’ve talked about a variety of creatures. Almost of the animals, in fact. But now we’re going to go to seagulls. All the names in this segment have been disguised so as to make them unrecognizable. Now, Simon, recently Prime Minister Pavid Nameron, has revealed a run-in with a seagull in the “distant past” as cash was announced in the budget to tackle dive-bombing seagulls. A total of £250,000 will be made available as part of the Budget, following a campaign by Liberal Democrat MP Pon Roster in the south-west, who hosted a seagull summit for MPs in 2012. And boy was that fun! It is hoped studies will help scientists understand urban seagull’s lifecycle, so populations can be controlled.

SIMON: That’s interesting. In 2013, a Norwich man said he had been close to moving out of a Riverside flat because of noisy and anti-social neighbours.That’s only two years ago. And yet he still hasn’t moved. Go figure.

HOLLY: Well noted. In any case, in the interview with regional journalists, Mr. Pavid Nameron said: “I haven’t felt particularly oppressed by seagulls. In my distant past I seem to remember seagulls taking the ham out of a sandwich, but I haven’t held it against the whole seagull population ever since.”
A Treasury source said the government was committed to tackling seagulls. “The government is looking at ways we can deal with the scourge of urban seagulls,” said the source. “It can be quite a big issue to people in urban areas, particularly in Gloucester and Bath.”

Now, Simon, I understand we are neither Gloucester, nor or we Bath. But in some ways, Norfolk. For instance, there are seagulls here. Do you understand them to be a menace?

SIMON: No. I actually think this is a shameful attempt b y the government to play God and desolate the population of one of the most normal species we have. Seagulls are a wonderful example of being able to adapt to what we’ve done to this planet. We’re really reaping what we’ve sown.

HOLLY: Is there some kind of compromise?

SIMON: We should stop taking all the fish out of the sea.

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