Dramatic News: Aliens plan to bring Norwich to grinding halt
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About a month ago a sign began to hover on St. Stephens Street announcing that in just a month the street would be closed to general traffic…forever. Now, it’s happened. In this piece, Nigel Herwan offers a slightly alternative version of reality…in the Dramatic News.

This was written by Nigel Herwin.

Picture the scene. A flying saucer is hovering over Norwich as the Martians discuss their plans to conquer planet Earth.

MARTIAN ONE: “Tell me, servile underling, is everything prepared?”

MARTIAN TWO: “Yes, oh great exalted one. This masterplan will bring humanity to a grinding halt. We shall disrupt their puny lives to the point of utter desperation, and when the moment of total stasis is achieved, we shall invade and conquer the helpless humans.

MARTIAN ONE: “So, servile minion, are we going to use the Flazgaz heatray?”

MARTIAN TWO: “No, oh great and glorious one. We are going to put traffic lights on roundabouts.”

MARTIAN ONE: “An interesting idea. Will it work?”

MARTIAN TWO: “Almost certainly, oh great master. Combined with the impenetrable one-way system in Norwich and the continued blockades of roadworks, victory is assured.”

MARTIAN ONE: “It is indeed a flawless plan. Proceed.”

Meanwhile, back on Earth, at the top of Grapes Hill to be precise, the Martians are about to meet their match with a pair of City Council Engineers.

BERT: “Quick Ernie! Plug in the laptop. We need to wrest control of these traffic lights from the Martians!”

ERNIE: “Righty-ho, Bert, there we go. Look, it’s working. The traffic is starting to flow again. Earth is saved!”

Back on the Martian spaceship, things are not so happy.

MARTIAN ONE: “Curses, foiled again! Do you have any further ideas, pathetic underling?”

MARTIAN TWO: “Yes, oh great and supreme one. There are mutant tomato plants mysteriously appearing on the railway tracks at Diss Station. I was thinking we could subject them to the flazgaz growth ray…”

Norwich has been saved. For the moment. Will the Martians return to strike when St Stephen’s is closed to normal traffic? Time will tell. In the meantime, people of Diss beware of the tomato plants! They’re gonna get you, yeah!

Please note: Tomato plants have - really and truly - been making appearances at railroad tracks in Diss. It's a mystery. To find out more, check this out: www.dissexpress.co.uk/news/latest-news/why-are-tomato-plants-growing-on-the-line-at-diss-station-1-6397140

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