It's ironic that I'm posting this rather early in the night, here it's only 2AM, I think it's cause I finally got the courage up to write instead of dealing with my usual 5AM nonsense that just doesn't make sense, so I thought writing this a bit earlier will help it make sense, thankyou in advance for your time <3
Bit of emotional distress that I wish I could actually express properly. It came quite clear to me today, after being in a new environment where I've chose to actually publicly talk about it, how my insomnia effects me so much. Talking to people about it definitely has helped me so much compared to how I used to just wander into a place full of people and just simmer there as if I had all the energy in the world. But the thing that was most clear is that I can't fight it. My friend said, after having spoke to me and heard every methodology I've tried to cope with it, "you sound like you're better off just letting it settle with you, you said you feel better that way".
I'm feeling distressed about my insomnia because I used to adore the extra hours I had on everyone, the "sleeping issues" everyone became knowledgeable about me having weren't really issues and therefore they wouldn't bother me. I knew how to cope. But these recent weeks in university have really strained me to a point where it's begun affecting me emotionally.
So, thanks to small part of inspiration from my buddy Monty, I've decided to adapt his idea of diary forms of music. When my insomnia hits harder than usual, for the nights when I can't cope with staring at the ceiling with music on, write something different. Don't finish a "Track". Finish a piece.
If there's one thing I'm thankful for, it's knowing that I can play music to so many positive thoughts that in a few hours of time I can run back to, and the small world in which I feel at home, with my friends and girl, will just take me.
I used to love being an insomniac, it gave me ideas and imagination possibilities that felt endless. But there becomes a point where you have to stop and realise that without an actual hint of relaxation, the world can and will surely fall apart. I hope to learn to be safe with it, and hopefully find a way to really be okay with it. <3
Sorry for this, to scared to post anything on Facebook, anxious if anything :') I'll make this a free download cause why not.
Much love, Jase. <3
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